Internal Family Systems: Attachment, Proximity, and your Parts

According to the Internal Family Systems model of therapy. It is postulated that you were created with all of the parts God desired to give you. These parts are designed for a purpose and to work and live in harmony with one another inside. Just like members of a well functioning, or securely attached family. However, because we live in a fallen world and live with fallen humans in our families and communities we get hurt, we experience attachment disruptions or harm (in little ways and great ways, and lots of ways in between) and our parts take on burdens, pain, insecurity, and roles that they were not intended to take on had sin not entered the world. The most burdened parts are exiled from the internal family because their pain is too great, they hold our pain, wounds, and traumas, we call these, exiles. Other parts, managers and firefighters, arrange themselves to protect those exiled parts from further harm, or they try to protect us from the overwhelming feelings and burdens of those exiled parts. Mangers are proactive and firefighters are reactive. Mangers do what they can to keep the exiled parts from getting triggered in the first place, while firefighters are set in motion if, despite the managers best efforts, the exiles break free anyway.  

Back to attachment. Each of these parts noted in the above paragraph may have different reactions to proximity. In other words, different parts of us may have different attachment styles. This is true because in some sense different parts have had different experiences. Exiles can be thought of as parts that are usually very young and were hurt or neglected when they should have been loved and cared for. They are generally proximity seeking parts of us. Managers are the parts that have taken on the roles of doing things for us that lessen the possibility of exiles being triggered. These parts make sure things get done according to their agendas. These parts can display various ways of dealing with attachment or proximity, but they are likely to be more anxious, avoidant, or ambivalent than secure in their approaches. Firefighters often engage in behaviors that look like they are pushing people away, or do not care about relationships. They do desire secure attachments but often do not have fruitful ways of doing so and may not know that is what is needed to really feel better. 

We know that union with God in this life and the next is the aim, goal, meaning, and purpose of the Christian life, it is what we were created for. It sounds lovely, and it is. When we read deeply, intellectually or prayerfully, into that reality we find that union means a deep togetherness, a oneness as Jesus describes in John 17:21-23 (RSVCE) “that they may all be one; even as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us”. The intimacy, the proximity, the level of deep and secure attachment that this implies is tremendous. So tremendous that parts you may be filled with an unbearable longing for this reality. Also, so tremendous that parts of you may be filled with dread, maybe as Adam and Eve felt hiding from the Lord. 

All of this can begin to feel a bit tricky in that in the spiritual life sometimes, attachment is spoken of in seemingly negative tones; St John of the Cross and other saints across the ages speak of the necessity of detachment. In the world of modern psychology, the belief is that “secure attachment is good” and “insecure attachment (in all its forms) is bad”, in terms of relationships. This may seem to pit our faith with psychology and in many ways, they can be at odds. In this instance I am not sure they are so far apart. The saints speak against unholy attachments to created things, including people; our only attachment is to be to God. Modern psychology, like our faith, tells us that we are not truly free when we are addicted, obsessive/compulsive, anxious, enmeshed (overly dependent), or overly independent.  In other words, our mental health is negatively impacted when our attachments to things or people are disordered. Both also tell us that we are to be in right relationship, with ourselves and with others. For Catholics being in right relationship with others also includes being in right relationship with God. I would offer that a rightly ordered relationship is akin to a secure attachment. 

I would further offer that you are at your healthiest, most integrated, and holiest when you are in right relationship (have a secure attachment, tolerate proximity) with God, yourself, and your neighbor. Each of these is necessary. None of these is dispensable. All of them can support and build on one another. Though if I had to pick a starting place to work on attachment it would be with God. He is the perfect attachment figure; He loves us, He always desires our good, without ulterior motives, He is kind, patient, steadfast, slow to anger, abundant in mercy, He knows us, cherishes us, delights in us, sees us, understands us . . . He is perfectly securely bonded to us but we are not always securely attached to Him, not because of any lack in His love but because in our fallen state we are not able to perfectly receive His love, or tolerate His proximity to us. 

Proximity. This might not be something we think about a lot but it is an interesting word as connected to attachment. If you were to imagine someone coming into close proximity to you, physically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually, what is your reaction? Returning to your parts, maybe different parts of you react in different ways. Maybe some parts lean in and deeply desire proximity, with Our Lord, or with others. On the other hand, maybe a part of you cringes, leans away, wants to hide, or even wants to run away. How you react to the idea of proximity, or how different parts of you react to the idea of proximity might be a clue about your attachment style(s). 

What I would invite you to prayerfully, curiously, compassionately meditate on is, what happens inside when you imagine Jesus coming close to you? Is He welcome? Is there shame? Is there anger? Is there longing for Him to come closer? You need not judge or condemn yourself, or parts of you, if you notice something different than “welcome” or desire for Him to come even closer. Just be curious. Those parts of you that might feel ambivalent, shameful, fearful, angry anxious, judged, or want to reject or leave, among many other various “negative” reactions, are very possibly parts that have been wounded in relationship, parts that may have experienced some kind of disruption in attachment. Where there is disruption in attachment for one or more parts of you, and it is true that this is a universal experience, there is likely an aversion to or fear of proximity. Those are not parts of you that need to be further exiled, rejected, or fixed but rather parts of you that need to be tended to, as Jesus tends to His lost sheep. They are parts that need to be invited into relationship with you, with others, and with Jesus. 

However, maybe upon prayerful meditation you find that you eagerly desire Jesus to come closer. You lean in, you anticipate with joy, you invite, your draw closer to Him, you hope, among many other possible positive reactions. These are very likely the parts of you that are experiencing the fruits of secure attachments. Important relationships that went well. These are the parts that felt loved, tended to, attuned to, cared for, protected. Maybe not always perfectly so, but well enough, enough of the time. Or, when those things didn’t happen well enough, or enough of the time someone noticed and took the time to repair, reconnect, attune better next time. 

I think it prudent to be careful that we don’t overly psychologize our faith the theological truths about God’s plan us to be brought and formed into union with Him. I do think it fair to say that sometimes our frail humanity, our psychology, our emotions, our woundedness and burdens can be barriers for us in our relationships with God, ourselves, and our neighbor. The Lord heals in myriad ways, more than we can even imagine so He does not need modern psychology, attachment theory, or parts work, but it seems, in our present age, He uses these things as tools to draw us closer to Himself. So my prayer for you is to be curious about what it is like inside when you consider just how close He really wants you and wants to be to you. This may be precisely where His invitation for you is.